


Great Kenobi, Glorious Creature

by CoonBattery



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Obi-Wan Kenobi, Crack Treated Seriously, Episode: s04e17 The Box, Gen, Grandparent Dooku (Star Wars), Rako Hardeen Arc (Star Wars: Clone Wars), Sniper Obi-Wan Kenobi, he's such a proud grandpa, id tag this crack but this is in character for dooku and you cant tell me otherwise, my boy's got skillz, take a shot every time dooku talks about someone's competency
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-23 18:00:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoonBattery/pseuds/CoonBattery
Summary: Dooku will never be able to hire a bounty hunter the same way again. They may be good, yes, but they're notObi Wan Kenobigood.
Relationships: Dooku & Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 168





	1. Hardeen Has Done It Again

As Count Dooku watched the contestants of the Box assess their situation, he sensed something different about one of them. Unlike the others, who were aimlessly watching the columns shift, this one was carefully evaluating the movements of each column. The Force was telling Dooku there was something off, and if there was anything his years as a Jedi taught him, it was to always trust in the Force.

"I sense something different about that one," Dooku voiced his thoughts. "Tell me what you know about this Rako Hardeen."

Moralo Eval typed into the terminal, bringing up an image of Hardeen. "He killed the Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi," Eval answered after a moment, scanning the screen.

_Did he now?_

"But only with a sniper rifle," Eval finished, waving a hand dismissively.

Impossible. Had the targeted Jedi been Knight Skywalker, Dooku may have found it prudent to believe that with no proof. Though admittedly gifted in the Force, Skywalker was brash and improvident. Even his blustering young Padawan was a more worthy adversary than him. But Kenobi? No. Kenobi was too competent to be taken out by nothing but a trifling sniper shot. So why...?

Kenobi has always prided himself in his deceptive tactics, Dooku reasoned. Perhaps he was not truly dead, and only laying low? Undercover?

Dooku would contemplate on that later. Whatever the case, Rako Hardeen could still prove himself an indispensable player in Eval's plan. He at least had enough field knowledge to recognize dioxis on sight, and it was mostly due to his quick thinking that there were no casualties in the first challenge. But only time could tell how qualified the mysterious man really was.

Dooku found himself mildly impressed by Hardeen's success in the second challenge. It took the marksman surprisingly little time to discern the pattern to the columns' movements. He had shown himself to be the most astute of the group, to say nothing of his fine skills as a _traceur_. This Hardeen was shaping up to be quite the asset to the plan.

"Hardeen has done it again," Dooku observed. "I'm beginning to think he may be the best one to lead this operation."

"Hardeen is crafty, I will grant you," Eval responded, apparently ruffled by Hardeen's unexpected successes. "But let us see how he does when he is no longer the key to their survival."

Not the key to their survival, indeed, but somehow he still was, handing the serum off to the correct contestant with not a second wasted on deliberation.

"He's a Parwan," Hardeen explained to the others. "His blood can take the electrolytic serum."

"You certain?" Bane asked, skeptical.

"Fifty-fifty. Depends on the blood type of the Parwan."

Skillful and well-read! Yet again, Dooku found himself impressed with the adroitness of one Rako Hardeen.

Dooku was at first disappointed by Sixtat's death. The operation required a sniper, and Sixtat was a good one. But then Hardeen stepped up to the challenge, accomplishing the task with even more finesse than Sixtat.

A traceur, a scholar, and a phenomenal sniper. If only Hardeen were force-sensitive, he would make for a brilliant Sith.

Alas, not everyone could be force-sensitive. Or perhaps Hardeen already was, and simply wasn't aware. A few of his leaps looked just a tad enhanced—

Despite Eval's cowardly actions, Hardeen refused to kill the Phindian: "All due respect, I just wanna do the job and get my money."

Ah, how disappointing. He has a moral code. Perhaps, as a sniper, he has never killed someone face-to-face. At some level, Dooku recognized that watching the life drain out of a person's eyes could be much more punishing on the conscience than sniping them from afar. He personally, of course, had long given up on matters of conscience. The dark side does not allow for such foolish considerations.

But how polite, this Hardeen. An unexpected quality for a bounty hunter. Dooku can say in all confidence he has never met a bounty hunter that cared about 'due respect' — though all things considered, he also hasn't met a great many bounty hunters in his lifetime.

It was peculiar, however. This wasn't the only instance of Hardeen's courteous nature, either. Throughout the challenge, he had been helping out the other contestants: warning them about the dioxis, scouting a way out, and offering a hand to several. In some respects, it was his strength, seeing as how Cad Bane — a criminal notorious for his nonexistent moral code — had saved Hardeen's life when he had been tricked by Eval in the final challenge.

It is almost as if Rako Hardeen was really Obi Wan Kenobi undercove—

Rako Hardeen was Obi Wan undercover.

What a shame. Finally a competent bounty hunter, and he was Obi Wan Kenobi.

Why couldn't Kenobi just join him already? He would be such a great bounty hunter. Such a great Dark Jedi. Such a great Sith. Such a great apprentice.

If only he could see through the lies of the Jedi, then he'd reach his full potential.

Such a shame.


	2. Suspicious Black Briefcase

Obi Wan stared at the suspicious black briefcase (delivered directly to him, and by extension the 212th, as they were groundside in a battle against the Separatists when it was delivered by a benevolent and jaunty B1 battle droid that had subsequently been gunned down by Boil) and decided that he was not ashamed to admit that this was unexpected.

Because really, who could expect this?

Once again, he read over the sticky yellow flimsi note attached to the briefcase, resisting the urge to rub at his eyes to ensure this was not the lovechild of stress and his sleep-deprived mind. But no — he wasn't sleeping, he wasn't meditating, and the briefcase and the note were very much real: _500 000 credits awarded for successful completion of The Box._

Obi Wan did in fact vaguely recall Dooku promising a hefty reward for competing in that Box, yet he had presumed that his reward would have been passed over after his reveal as a spy, if he was ever going to be paid at all. And if he was to be paid, he definitely had not expected the money to be delivered by a _B1 battle droid in the middle of a battle._

The men surrounding him had initially been suspicious, but once he explained what it was and assured them that he felt no warning in the Force, they had seemed to find the situation rather funny.

He was pretty sure Cody was laughing at him. The Commander's face was impassive and his shoulders were stock still, but pure glee emanated from him in waves through the Force. The situation itself really wasn't all that funny, either, though Obi Wan supposed that the gobsmacked expression that he knew was on his face must be utterly hilarious from an outsider's perspective. Obi Wan, for his part, did not think it was quite so funny.

"What are you going to do with this, sir?"

Obi Wan frowned at his Commander, then stopped to consider the question seriously. "Well, I certainly have no use for such a large sum of credits. I will donate it to the Temple, see if they can use the funds for anything."

"Very good, sir," Cody said, voice reverentially bland. "I'm sure the Temple will appreciate having the extra money to replace your robes whenever you lose them."

Obi Wan tossed a peeved look at him. Cody did not react, but the glee in the Force did increase.

A peeved but starchy look settled on Dooku's face as he watched the bounty hunter fumble through the trials of the Box. With all the competent bounty hunters unavailable, he was forced to rely on the bumbling, clodhopping fools that made up the lower ninety percent of the bounty hunter population. 

He had elected to continue using the Box as his vetting process, and it had proved effective so far in picking out the best from the bunch. What to do with a large ugly cube stationed on Serenno other than use it? He had invited a few of the Lords of Serenno to compete in some of the more benign of the challenges, although simply gaining good graces with the people of Serenno wasn't enough to justify the large amount he had spent on the construction of the Box, particularly considering that he was already a well-liked ruler among the people of his planet.

The bounty hunter — a Quarren that went by the name Norkke Vienlen — succeeded in the first trial Dooku had set out for him, yet his form was inelegant and he bungled his way through the problem-solving aspect of the trial. Was it too much to ask for a competent bounty hunter?

With bounty hunters like Cad Bane, Embo, and Rako Hardeen either imprisoned or busy with other jobs, it just may be.

No. Not Rako Hardeen. Hardeen was a spy from the Republic, Obi Wan Kenobi. If Rako Hardeen truly was a real person with the misfortune to have his identity stolen, and not merely a farcical identity created by the Council, the man could never hope to reach Kenobi's competency.

Norkke was known as One-Shot Vienlen. A testament to his deadly accuracy and speed with a blaster, or so Dooku had thought. In reality, he bumbled along the sniping challenge like a toddler trying out archery. It took the Quarren just above six seconds to shoot the target thrice, a piddling time that amounted to more than double Kenobi's time in the same challenge. His shots were also a tad to the left, whereas Kenobi's hit bullseye every time.

Dooku again found himself wishing that Kenobi was Sith. With Kenobi by his side and their powers combined, they would surely be capable of taking on Lord Sidious. And if Kenobi really was so beholden to the Light, Dooku could find jobs for him that did not involve murder. Kidnapping, possibly, or Mind Tricks to wheedle out information. Kenobi did always have an aptitude for Mind Tricks.

Dooku was willing to compromise. The one thing Kenobi had to do was abandon his commitment to the corrupt Jedi Order.

No. Kenobi was too Light, too devoted. Sith Obi Wan Kenobi would never happen. It was better to disillusion himself from the idea now. Even as a Sith, Kenobi would be too merciful, would never be able to fully submit to the Dark. He wasn't able to kill even one man, despite the risk of exposing himself as a spy. He was weak. He would never make a good apprentice.

Dooku refocused on Norkke as the Quarren fought to complete the final challenge, and scoffed. He seemed to be having difficulty troubleshooting the situation. It was a simple sequence issue! His critical thinking skills were pitiful.

Obi Wan Kenobi could have completed this challenge by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obi Wan had really been expecting his reward to be delivered by a B2 battle droid, but Dooku sent a B1 droid! The audacity!

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title comes from the legends novel Labyrinth of Evil (James Luceno) where Dooku keeps calling everyone "Poor [Name], Pitiful Creature". So I turned it on its head.


End file.
